Directions, Driving and Math

I have realised something over time: If you don't understand directions, can't drive very well and do not know math, you career is probably going to suck big time, especially if you have one similar to mine. It starts with math of course. You know (or in all likelihood you don't) how in class everyone would have figured out that problem on the board, but you were still trying to get there - and they would just move on to the next sum? For a while you'd struggle; leave that sum, move onto the next one, but you were already too late, so you've fucked up this one as well. Eventually you just give up and pretend to scrawl, looking out of the window, making shapes with clouds.

Driving. Well, its a big one. Not knowing how to drive can really get in you in trouble. You're always depending on someone else for a ride, and during an emergency you are useless because even if you have a car, you wouldn't know how to use it.

And directions. You don't get left, right, baju, parallel, upar, niche - nothing. I personally, only know roads because of landmarks. Very Hansel and Gretel. If someone took away the breadcrumbs, I'd totally end up at the witch's house.

And yeah, having a boyfriend. That's another thing you should have. Good, bad, ugly doesn't matter. As long as you have one. It makes a world of a difference.

My career sucks. I need to do something about this.

Empty Rooms

I don’t think I’ll ever fully fathom how lonely an empty room feels. Not like the way my parents do. Maybe if you have kids you should have them ten years apart or something. Or ensure when they’re grown up you adopt a few more. I think being a parent is akin to having a job. Just like you don’t know what to do when you retire from your job, you don’t know what to do when your kids are all grown up and don’t need you like they once did. Could I live with something like that? I don’t know. It’s scary, having kids.
I no longer feel the same excitement about shifting homes like I did once upon a time. I don’t think I ever liked it much, but now I don’t even have the energy to protest. I just think of this horribly muddled up future and then zone out. I don’t want to think. It’s too goddamn heavy.
Leaving home this time, I feel a huge, huge void. Like something is changing forever. My brother’s not here, I’m not here, and there is this huge, lonely house with things accumulated for 30 years, maybe more, not knowing what to do with itself.
I also know when I leave this time, I’ll be leaving behind a tradition with a friend. I won’t meet him anymore. I won’t see him anymore. Not in this city. Not in such innocent dreaminess. It’s the end of something glorious, and I know it. Next time, we’ll all be expats, with noisy children and strange spouses. So weird, so weird.

I feel as blue as a whale. Heh.

One more time, for a few seconds

Sometimes I think we’ve got it again… when we lean against each other like uncared books in a dusty shelf. And when you tell me about your little quixotic plans. I love you like mad then. But then you look away, like you’ve made a mistake…or like you have more important things to do…or like you’ve said too much. I don’t know what I do then. Probably look at my hands or nod idiotically, laugh unexpectedly or something. What does one do, when they feel love slip so clumsily out of their hands? I am certain I look as silly as you do.

Aug 7, 2006


Tonight, today, at one o one am, I need to talk to you. And only you. On Gtalk. A year ago. I need to talk to you and make you read my old horrible writing and I need you to pay attention. I need to wake up to your hello and I need to go to sleep with your goodnight. But then I ran into you one day and you were a phantom shopping for groceries and listening to old cassettes.

I had no answer today when they asked. What have I been doing for the past 3 years? I don’t know, I’m stuck. Despite the superhuman overhauling. Despite the rude, loud moving on. I am stuck to a moment which was all a big, fat lie.

Crossfire

Okay, maybe its a little twisted, but 3 things -
1) what. a. song
2) Brandon Flowers (oh yes he does)
3) Every woman at some point of time or the other likes to rescue a man.

Okay, so maybe not every woman, but I'm sure many do. But most men don't like being rescued much, which is why this video kind of makes me smile.

I can't write now because I'm not writing very well. So later.