One more time, for a few seconds

Sometimes I think we’ve got it again… when we lean against each other like uncared books in a dusty shelf. And when you tell me about your little quixotic plans. I love you like mad then. But then you look away, like you’ve made a mistake…or like you have more important things to do…or like you’ve said too much. I don’t know what I do then. Probably look at my hands or nod idiotically, laugh unexpectedly or something. What does one do, when they feel love slip so clumsily out of their hands? I am certain I look as silly as you do.

Aug 7, 2006


Tonight, today, at one o one am, I need to talk to you. And only you. On Gtalk. A year ago. I need to talk to you and make you read my old horrible writing and I need you to pay attention. I need to wake up to your hello and I need to go to sleep with your goodnight. But then I ran into you one day and you were a phantom shopping for groceries and listening to old cassettes.

I had no answer today when they asked. What have I been doing for the past 3 years? I don’t know, I’m stuck. Despite the superhuman overhauling. Despite the rude, loud moving on. I am stuck to a moment which was all a big, fat lie.

Home?

So here's the deal. I'm back in Cal, I have a job in Bombay and it feels like I've left my entire life behind in Bangalore. Home is okay. I don't have my room to myself, but I surprisingly don't care. Right now, everyone's at work or something. There's the comfort of familiarity. Smells of frying fish, cold cream, aftershave. But this could be anywhere - because I'm not here in my head.
I guess an independent life spoils you. This is not the feeling I had when I came back home from hostel. Then I'd be irritable, I'd be dying for a smoke, I'd be bored without my friends around me all the time. It's not like that now. I know it's only been a day, but I miss the simple things, just the simple rituals of a simple day. I miss boiling the milk in the morning. Having my coffee my way. Kellog's Oat bites. Watching the news and VH1 while chomping on cereal. Cooking dinner. A smoke after dinner. Desultory, but still independent. It's not like that at home.
But, I'm at peace. I don't feel particularly irritable or restless or anything. Yes, I get mollycoddled a bit, and there are way too many questions first thing in the morning - but it's okay. These are my people and they love me. Why be a sourpuss about that?
Life goes on. I know Bombay won't be like Bangalore. It's unfair to expect that from Bombay. It's a different city, with different people - just like Cal is different. It's not better or worse. It's just different. And you get used to anything. So yeah. Note to self: Stop getting so goddamn sentimental.
Note to S1: Cook, clean, wash dishes, watch Glee, Grey's and HIMYM (you can order from Chung's then), go out for brunch, talk, C don't smoke alone too much, switch off the gas, do random dances, and stop spending so bloody much! :)

It really is a small world sometimes. Like our small school world. College world. Post Grad world. Work world. In these little worlds of ours, we really are separated by six degrees. Everyone, knows every fucking one. It is bloody scary.
I wish I could give an example (in fact I tried, but deleted it), but everyone would know who I was talking about, because you guessed it - Everyone knows everyone.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on some really boring stuff today, so of course I'm playing mafia wars. I discovered the joys of photolibrary.com, and I love it. I've been designing random things of late, like party invites, wedding invites etc, and I think I should just sell them (see Nic, I'd do it for money. I lurve money).

December is drawing nearer. I can't help but think of Delhi, the trip to Rajasthan, my pretty room with a mouldy verandah and cold sunshine, the sharp stars in Ranthambore. I think I vaguely miss it. But I've said this before, so yeah. Last year, this time, we were glued to Uttam's computer watching the news, and feeling some strange unidentifiable feeling. The world has not changed at all.

I miss Cal in winter too. Park Street, chinese bulbs, monkey tupi, impending Christmas. I miss college and choir and looking out of room 19 into the college courtyard at a big bright star when I wanted to zone out from the lectures. This one, below. I miss it.

Anyway, I am SO maudlin. I have an uncertain December ahead of me. I'd like to go someplace with snow, I really do.

Okay, anyway, it's been 2 hours since I've come to work and not done a thing. Time to get back.