Bejeche Gache Kokhon, sheh telephone

I didn’t go to work today. Partly because I was sick, partly because I didn’t give a damn. Anyway, I am alone at home in skimpy clothes listening to Bhindeshi Tara and Ferari Mon and Mon Re in loop.

This has been a bluesy Pujo. I don’t really miss anything, feel anything. Maybe I miss being a kid, but that’s about it. I know being in Calcutta wouldn’t change anything. If anything, it would make me sadder, because I’d think of how wonderful it all used to be. I also have a horrible cold which doesn’t allow me to taste anything or smoke anything. What a complete waste.
I miss the language. When I listen to Anindyo Chattapadhya’s lyrics, I remember the language and it’s comforting and also depressing.

Amar raat jaga tara

(My star, who lies awake at night)

Tomar akaash chhoya bari

(Your home touches the skies)

Aami payi na chhute tomaye

(I cannot reach up to you)

Amar akla lage bhari

(And I feel very lonely)

Okay that was a horrible translation. So much is lost. Sigh.

Good Morning

It's nice this morning. My plant Georgina is getting a bit of sun, I've just finished the papers and coffee. I had a lovely dinner last night with Baba, B, N, S and D and that's all I want really. Nice dinner, nice company, a little bit of wine. I am not the working sort. Unless...

A told me to write a script in two days and give it to him. Which is kind of much, because a) he's already written his own script for the same film and b) my brain, despite being happy of late, still writes from a dark, dark place. So, I don't know, but I will give it a shot. This kind of work is happy.

My baby film is demanding. I love it to bits, but fuck, it's a screamer. I need it to go to sleep now. I need the fizz to settle.

It feels weird to say this, but I finally feel settled in. Like I did in Bangalore. I know it's temporary, and this feeling will be shattered with the next missed deadline or fuckup at work, but I feel calmer about being here. Maybe it has to do with the fact that quit plans are ahead. Maybe its because I finally worked on something where I felt I needed. Maybe its because D's in town and we cook together more often and have re-done up our home. For what it's worth, I'm happy. Even if it isn't all there tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to travel. Loads of it. Soonly.

Are you worried about the verdict today?

Empty Rooms

I don’t think I’ll ever fully fathom how lonely an empty room feels. Not like the way my parents do. Maybe if you have kids you should have them ten years apart or something. Or ensure when they’re grown up you adopt a few more. I think being a parent is akin to having a job. Just like you don’t know what to do when you retire from your job, you don’t know what to do when your kids are all grown up and don’t need you like they once did. Could I live with something like that? I don’t know. It’s scary, having kids.
I no longer feel the same excitement about shifting homes like I did once upon a time. I don’t think I ever liked it much, but now I don’t even have the energy to protest. I just think of this horribly muddled up future and then zone out. I don’t want to think. It’s too goddamn heavy.
Leaving home this time, I feel a huge, huge void. Like something is changing forever. My brother’s not here, I’m not here, and there is this huge, lonely house with things accumulated for 30 years, maybe more, not knowing what to do with itself.
I also know when I leave this time, I’ll be leaving behind a tradition with a friend. I won’t meet him anymore. I won’t see him anymore. Not in this city. Not in such innocent dreaminess. It’s the end of something glorious, and I know it. Next time, we’ll all be expats, with noisy children and strange spouses. So weird, so weird.

I feel as blue as a whale. Heh.

Big ad coming up. Extremely superstitious, so not going to blabber about it.

Happily, I have a fair amount of responsibility this time, but man, it is SO easy to fuck up. Fingers crossed.

I have to pay rent this month, and I'm looking at my account now and it's quite abysmal. I need to do a little something on the side. Money, or the lack thereof is my little drama.

Also, there's no fun cooking just for yourself. I haven't replenished my grocery for more than a week now. There was some bread lying in the fridge for a while, and I decided to make something with it, but wait, what's that blue stuff around the edges? Whatever it was - it was enough to kill my appetite completely.

And remember how when you were in school and sometimes forgot to take out your tiffin box? You know, inevitably the days you had some bits left over? Yeah. So I did that a lot. And some things haven't changed. I decided to be healthy etc, and took some fruit in a little tiffin box, but decided not to eat a few stray grapes. And a week later - voila! I have my own little vineyard in there.

Sigh. I hate spoiled food.

Anyway. What's this news about Keanu Reeves hooking up with Charlize Theron? I love Keanu Reeves. I want to smoke him up.

Home?

So here's the deal. I'm back in Cal, I have a job in Bombay and it feels like I've left my entire life behind in Bangalore. Home is okay. I don't have my room to myself, but I surprisingly don't care. Right now, everyone's at work or something. There's the comfort of familiarity. Smells of frying fish, cold cream, aftershave. But this could be anywhere - because I'm not here in my head.
I guess an independent life spoils you. This is not the feeling I had when I came back home from hostel. Then I'd be irritable, I'd be dying for a smoke, I'd be bored without my friends around me all the time. It's not like that now. I know it's only been a day, but I miss the simple things, just the simple rituals of a simple day. I miss boiling the milk in the morning. Having my coffee my way. Kellog's Oat bites. Watching the news and VH1 while chomping on cereal. Cooking dinner. A smoke after dinner. Desultory, but still independent. It's not like that at home.
But, I'm at peace. I don't feel particularly irritable or restless or anything. Yes, I get mollycoddled a bit, and there are way too many questions first thing in the morning - but it's okay. These are my people and they love me. Why be a sourpuss about that?
Life goes on. I know Bombay won't be like Bangalore. It's unfair to expect that from Bombay. It's a different city, with different people - just like Cal is different. It's not better or worse. It's just different. And you get used to anything. So yeah. Note to self: Stop getting so goddamn sentimental.
Note to S1: Cook, clean, wash dishes, watch Glee, Grey's and HIMYM (you can order from Chung's then), go out for brunch, talk, C don't smoke alone too much, switch off the gas, do random dances, and stop spending so bloody much! :)