Harder than Easy

I think I'd be better off gay. But I just can't wish it.

I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on you. I'm not wiser. I'm just sadder. The only thing I wish for from that time, was the complete fearlessness I felt. I could make a fool of myself over and over again and not feel a thing.

I discovered a song called Harder than Easy, which is nothing special really, but it's kind of nice when you think of it Grey's Anatomically. It has these lines which attracted me -

At the end of the day when you're lonely

After begging to be left alone

- because it reminded me of me. I am like my grandfather I think sometimes.

I don't feel like putting in the effort anymore. I just want to be on painkillers for the rest of my life.

I have also realised I can't draw you beautiful anymore. You come out all wrong, and kind of Chinese.

It's weird. It's not angst anymore. It's not loneliness. Maybe this is what K talks about sometimes. You're not rebelling. You're not angry. You're just in this deep deep well of inexplicable sadness where you're thrust back in the moment you step out. And by the time you pull yourself out, fake smile spent and semi-enthusiastic, you're back in it again. What's the point? I'll be like Toru. I'll live there.

This blog is my deep well I think.