Dark

God, I know when I start listening to Elliot Smith I've hit a new low. Life's in loop, seriously. This feels like 15 all over again, and 15, was definitely. not. good.

Thanks to a friend I have a new obsession. Monkey Dust. Fuck. It's so disturbingly, obsessively good.

Yesterday was really embarrassing. I just realized how so out of love/affection/infatuation I was. I don't think I was being cruel, but I was not being nice either. Which is immature and silly, but I can't help feeling completely and utterly disconnected. As C says, I was "dead-walling" him. Probably. Also, I think when you spend a lot of time alone you kind of get used to it and the thought of opening yourself out to others seems time consuming and tiresome. I don't have that kind of patience or understanding anymore. With anyone. I like short meaningful moments that need not amount to much except maybe a shared joint or joke and then okbye.

I need some discipline. I need to join a gym. I need to clock in time and clock out time. I need to have a principal, a teacher, a P.T. teacher. I can't control myself.

There was this article in Mumbai Mirror today, which felt kind of irresponsible because it would lead people like me to believe something was wrong. People who are weak minded and easily influenced. I am sure when you read this you'll identify too. Because we're all a little fucked up yeah yeah.

Does it bother you when you're not asked if you're okay? Especially by someone you love? Or you're asked, but in a fleeting, superficial way which feels kind of worse. Do me a favour. Fuck the small talk. Watch Monkey Dust instead.